http://www.rotterdamny.net/ http://www.eblah.com en http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1268161354/ http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1268161354/#num1 Hollywood   Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days  when '   Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous,  not scripted, as they are
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the  questions, of course...


Q..   Paul,  what is a good reason for pounding meat? A.  Paul Lynde:
Loneliness!
    (The  audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the  show!)  

Q.  Do  female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.  

Q. If  you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be A.  Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.  

Q.  True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000  years. A.. George Gobel:
Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.  

Q.  You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman? A.  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q.  According  to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and  you
think  that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married? A..  Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q.  Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A.  Charley
Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In  Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love  You'? A.
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..  

Q.  What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get  Enough'? A. George
Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.  

Q. As  you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while  talking?
A.  Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you  a gesture you'll never forget.  

Q.  Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon
wrinkles too easily.  

Q.  Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.. Are you going to get
any  during the first year?
A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.  

Q. In  bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It  is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is  politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q.  During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the  closet? A. Rose
Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.  

Q.  Can boys join the  Camp   Fire  Girls? A.  Marty Allen: Only after lights
out.

Q.  When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If  you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A.
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.  

Q.  According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit  of kissing a lot of people? A.  Charley Weaver: It got me out of the
army.  

Q.. It  is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A.
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

Q.  Back  in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he  trying to do?
A.  George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.  When  a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.  Charley
Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him  

Q.  Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A.  Charley
Weaver: His feet.

Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
  

WE  DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING ]]> Tue, 9 Mar 2010 13:02:34 Shadow http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1267426315/ http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1267426315/#num1 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the bod y is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will..

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.  Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will sto p making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

20. Law of Sleep - The first one to fall asleep, is the one that snores.]]> Mon, 1 Mar 2010 00:51:55 MobileTerminal http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1267033882/ http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1267033882/#num1

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and  yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of a hospital gown.'




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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'




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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'


Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'



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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'



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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''


The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


]]> Wed, 24 Feb 2010 11:51:22 JoAnn http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1264722736/ http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1264722736/#num1
I was at the bank today. There was one woman in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
=
]]> Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:52:16 bumblethru http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1264379498/ http://www.rotterdamny.net/m-1264379498/#num1
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave on their annual hunt, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.  
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and
put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess whoooo?'"

I pulled her hands off, turned around and looked.  She was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes!  She laid on the bed and told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and I did..

And then she said,  "Now do what ever you want.."

"So, Here I am."]]> Sun, 24 Jan 2010 18:31:38 bumblethru